kitchen in spanish
this summer i was backin ohio for a family wedding, and when i was there, there was a meet and greetwith anna and elsa from "frozen." not the anna and elsa from "frozen," as this was not a disney-sanctioned event. these two entrepreneurs hada business of running princess parties. your kid is turning five? they'll come sing some songs,sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great. and they were not aboutto miss out on the opportunity
that was the phenomenonand that was "frozen." so they get hired by a local toy store, kids come in on a saturday morning, buy some disney swag, get theirpicture taken with the princesses, call it a day. it's like santa clauswithout the seasonal restrictions. (laughter) and my three-and-a-half-year-old niecesamantha was in the thick of it. she could care less that these two womenwere signing posters and coloring books
as snow queen and princess anawith one n to avoid copyright lawsuits. according to my niece and the 200-pluskids in the parking lot that day, this was the anna and elsa from "frozen." it is a blazing hot saturday morningin august in ohio. we get there at 10 o'clock,the scheduled start time, and we are handed number 59. by 11 o'clock they had callednumbers 21 through 25; this was going to be a while, and there is no amountof free face painting or temporary tattoos
that could prevent the meltdownsthat were occurring outside of the store. so, by 12:30 we get called: "56 to 63, please." and as we walk in, it is a scenei can only describe you as saying it looked like norway threw up. there were cardboardcut-out snowflakes covering the floor, glitter on every flat surface,and icicles all over the walls. and as we stood in line in an attempt to givemy niece a better vantage point
than the backsideof the mother of number 58, i put her up on my shoulders, and she was instantly rivetedby the sight of the princesses. and as we moved forward,her excitement only grew, and as we finally gotto the front of the line, and number 58 unfurled her posterto be signed by the princesses, i could literally feel the excitementrunning through her body. and let's be honest,at that point, i was pretty excited too. i mean, the scandinavian decadencewas mesmerizing.
so we get to the front of the line, and the haggard clerkturns to my niece and says, "hi, honey. you're next! do you want to get down,or you're going to stay on your dad's shoulders for the picture?' and i was, for a lackof a better word, frozen. it's amazing that in an unexpected instantwe are faced with the question, who am i? am i an aunt? or am i an advocate?
millions of people have seen my videoabout how to have a hard conversation, and there one was, right in front of me. at the same time, there's nothing more importantto me than the kids in my life, so i found myself in a situationthat we so often find ourselves in, torn between two things,two impossible choices. would i be an advocate? would i take my niece off my shouldersand turn to the clerk and explain to her that i was in facther aunt, not her father,
and that she should be more careful and not to jump to gender conclusionsbased on haircuts and shoulder rides -- (laughter) -- and while doing that, miss out on what was, to this point,the greatest moment of my niece's life. or would i be an aunt? would i brush off that comment,take a million pictures, and not be distracted for an instantfrom the pure joy of that moment, and by doing that,
walk out with the shame that comes upfor not standing up for myself, especially in front of my niece. who was i? which one was more important?which role was more worth it? was i an aunt? or was i an advocate? and i had a split second to decide. we are taught right now that we are living in a worldof constant and increasing polarity. it's so black and white,so us and them, so right and wrong.
there is no middle,there is no gray, just polarity. polarity is a state in whichtwo ideas or opinions are completely opposite from each other; a diametrical opposition. which side are you on? are you unequivocally and without questionantiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty, pro-gun regulation, proponentof open borders and pro-union? or, are you absolutely and uncompromisingly pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty,
a believer that the secondamendment is absolute, anti-immigrant and pro-business? it's all or none, you're with usor against us. that is polarity. the problem with polarity and absolutes is that it eliminates the individualityof our human experience and that makes it contradictoryto our human nature. but if we are pulledin these two directions, but it's not really where we exist --
polarity is not our actual reality -- where do we go from there? what's at the other end of that spectrum? i don't think it's an unattainable,harmonious utopia, i think the oppositeof polarity is duality. duality is a state of having two parts, but not in diametrical opposition, in simultaneous existence. don't think it's possible?
here are the people i know: i know catholics who are pro-choice,and feminists who wear hijabs, and veterans who are antiwar, and nra members who thinki should be able to get married. those are the people i know,those are my friends and family, that is the majority of our society,that is you, that is me. (applause) duality is the abilityto hold both things. but the question is:can we own our duality?
can we have the courageto hold both things? i work at a restaurant in town, i became really good friendswith the busser. i was a server and we had a great relationship, we had a really great time together. her spanish was great because she was from mexico. that line actually went the other way. her english was limited,but significantly better than my spanish.
but we were united by our similarities, not separated by our differences. and we were close, even thoughwe came from very different worlds. she was from mexico, she left her family behindso she could come here and afford them a better life back home. she was a devout conservative catholic, a believer in traditional family values, stereotypical roles of men and women,
and i was, well, me. but the things that bonded uswere when she asked about my girlfriend, or she shared pictures that she hadfrom her family back home. those were the thingsthat brought us together. so one day, we were in the back, scarfing down food as quickly as we could,gathered around a small table, during a very rare lull, and a new guyfrom the kitchen came over -- who happened to be her cousin --
and sat down with allthe bravado and machismo that his 20-year-old body could hold. and he said to her,[in spanish] "does ash have a boyfriend?" and she said,[in spanish] "no, she has a girlfriend." and he said,[in spanish] "a girlfriend?!?" and she set down her fork,and locked eyes with him, and said, [in spanish] "yes,a girlfriend. that is all." and his smug smile quickly droppedto one of maternal respect, grabbed his plate, walked off,went back to work.
she never made eye contact with me. she left, did the same thing -- it was a 10-second conversation,such a short interaction. and on paper, she hadso much more in common with him: language, culture, history, family,her community was her lifeline here, but her moral compass trumped all of that. and a little bit later, they were jokingaround in the kitchen in spanish, that had nothing to do with me, and that is duality.
she didn't have to choose some p.c. stanceon gayness over her heritage. she didn't have to chooseher family over our friendship. it wasn't jesus or ash. her individual moralitywas so strongly rooted that she had the courageto hold both things. our moral integrity is our responsibility and we must be prepared to defend iteven when it's not convenient. that's what it means to be an ally,and if you're going to be an ally, you have to be an active ally:
ask questions, act when you hearsomething inappropriate, actually engage. i had a family friend who for yearsused to call my girlfriend my lover. really? lover? so overly sexual, so '70s gay porn. but she was trying, and she asked. she could have called her my friend, or my "friend," or my "special friend" --
or even worse, just not asked at all. believe me, we would rather have you ask. i would rather have her say lover,than say nothing at all. people often say to me,"well, ash, i don't care. i don't see raceor religion or sexuality. it doesn't matter to me. i don't see it." but i think the opposite of homophobiaand racism and xenophobia is not love, it's apathy. if you don't see my gayness,then you don't see me.
if it doesn't matter to youwho i sleep with, then you cannot imagine what it feels like when i walk down the streetlate at night holding her hand, and approach a group of peopleand have to make the decision if i should hang on to itor if i should i drop it when all i want to dois squeeze it tighter. and the small victory i feel when i make it byand don't have to let go. and the incredible cowardiceand disappointment i feel when i drop it.
if you do not see that struggle that is unique to my human experiencebecause i am gay, then you don't see me. if you are going to be an ally,i need you to see me. as individuals, as allies, as humans, we need to be able to hold both things: both the good and the bad, the easy and the hard. you don't learn how to holdtwo things just from the fluff, you learn it from the grit.
and what if dualityis just the first step? what if through compassionand empathy and human interaction we are able to learn to hold two things? and if we can holdtwo things, we can hold four, and if we can hold four,we can hold eight, and if we can hold eight,we can hold hundreds. we are complex individuals, swirls of contradiction. you are all holdingso many things right now.
what can you do to hold just a few more? so, back to toledo, ohio. i'm at the front of the line, niece on my shoulders,the frazzled clerk calls me dad. have you ever been mistakenfor the wrong gender? not even that. have you ever been calledsomething you are not? here's what it feels like for me: i am instantly an internal stormof contrasting emotions.
i break out into a sweat that isa combination of rage and humiliation, i feel like the entire storeis staring at me, and i simultaneously feel invisible. i want to explode in a tirade of fury, and i want to crawl under a rock. and top all of that offwith the frustration that i'm wearing an out-of-charactertight-fitting purple t-shirt, so this whole store can see my boobs, to make sure this exactsame thing doesn't happen.
but, despite my best effortsto be seen as the gender i am, it still happens. and i hope with every ounceof my body that no one heard -- not my sister, not my girlfriend,and certainly not my niece. i am accustomed to this familiar hurt, but i will do whatever i need to doto protect the people i love from it. but then i take my niece off my shoulders, and she runs to elsa and anna -- the thing she's beenwaiting so long for --
and all that stuff goes away. all that matters is the smile on her face. and as the 30 seconds we waitedtwo and a half hours for comes to a close we gather up our things,and i lock eyes with the clerk again; and she gives mean apologetic smile and mouths, "i am so sorry!" and her humanity, her willingness to admither mistake disarms me immediately, then i give her a: "it's okay,it happens. but thanks." and i realize in that moment
that i don't have to be either an auntor an advocate, i can be both. i can live in duality,and i can hold two things. and if i can hold two thingsin that environment, i can hold so many more things. as my girlfriend and my niece hold handsand skip out the front of the door, i turn to my sister and say,"was it worth it?" and she said, "are you kidding me? did you see the look on her face?this was the greatest day of her life!"
"it was worth the twoand a half hours in the heat, it was worth the overpriced coloring bookthat we already had a copy of." "it was even worth you getting called dad." and for the first time everin my life, it actually was. thank you, boulder. have a good night.
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